The Unforgettable House M.D. jokes

Paule · (#1 (**permalink**))

This maybe a lot of reading , but it's a lot of laughing to believe me

Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.

Dr. Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads.

Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. Wilson: [Wilson is quoting a poem from a patient of House's] 'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
Dr. Gregory House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. Gregory House: That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson: You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. Gregory House: A patient comes because she's sleeping 16 hours a day, and it takes ten doctors and a coma to diagnose sleeping sickness.

Dr. Gregory House: [in Cuddy's office with Foreman] Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us!
[to Foreman]
Dr. Gregory House: Go check out the hood, Dog.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.

Dr. Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to quit thinking.

Dr. Gregory House: You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr. Wilson: Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, what do you care?
Dr. Wilson: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr. Gregory House: You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson: You would have lied.
Dr. Gregory House: And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr. Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr. Gregory House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Dr. Wilson: Fine.
[takes check]
Dr. Wilson: Thanks.
[gets in car]
Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr. Gregory House: What do you mean? You just said...
Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Lola: He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. Gregory House: No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.

Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh...
Dr. Gregory House: What? You're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Uh... and... who...?
Dr. Gregory House: Kevin. In bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well, first of all, his name's Karl...
Dr. Gregory House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.

Dr. Gregory House: [Looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity] Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Eric Foreman: That's a cloud.
Dr. Cameron: And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
Dr. Gregory House: Eh, I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron: A cactus in Philly?
Dr. Gregory House: Water?
[to Wilson]
Dr. Gregory House: Well, water's October, right?
Dr. Wilson: Obviously.
Dr. Gregory House: The page number's 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson: My goodness, was she okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Broke her arm. I think they fixed it, with this
[holds up surgical pin from the patient's arm]
Dr. Gregory House: . Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case of recall, tied to a patient's name.

Dr. Wilson: [to House] Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal. Very caveman.

Dr. Eric Foreman: This is definitely different.
Dr. Robert Chase: [looking at a photograph of House] It looks almost like...
Dr. Cameron: ...He's caring.

Dr. Gregory House: [to EMT guy who has just tried to give directions] You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school.

Dr. Robert Chase: I'd give her two months.
Dr. Gregory House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.

Dr. Robert Chase: She was fine two hours ago.
Dr. Gregory House: If by fine you mean bleeding profusely out of every orifice, then yeah, I believe you.

Dr. Robert Chase: In pre-med, I had a professor who...
Dr. Gregory House: - touched you in the naughty place?

[about Cuddy]
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

[someone is groaning in the restroom stall]
Dr. Gregory House: Good lord, are you having a bowel movement or a baby?

Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this hospital who is forced to be here against his will.
[to Lisa]
Dr. Gregory House: That is true, isn't it?
[to crowd]
Dr. Gregory House: But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine! You can't have any! And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem... but who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[everybody raises their hand]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Jody Matthews?
[Jody raises her hand]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Please accompany Doctor House to Exam Room One.

Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.

Dr. Robert Chase: How'd you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd hate it. That's why, cleverly, I have no personal life.

Dr. Wilson: At least I try.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, as long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Gregory House: So between us we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. Gregory House: I find your interest interesting.

Dr. Cameron: You want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want you to be polite and let her die.

Dr. Gregory House: Chicks dig this
[waves cane]
Dr. Gregory House: It's better than a puppy!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People talk.
Dr. Gregory House: About how big your ass is getting? I've been defending you- you got back!

Dr. Eric Foreman: You assaulted that man!
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.

Dr. Gregory House: [searching Cuddy's house for the cause of her handyman's illness]
[holds up a thong]
Dr. Gregory House: Does this count as red?

Dr. Gregory House: I'm extremely disappointed. I send you out for exciting, new designer drugs, you come back with tomato sauce.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. Gregory House: But as the philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want."

Dr. Gregory House: I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Dr. Gregory House: McPhearson? Horrible doctor, I heard he tortured kittens.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No, McDonald.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, McDonald? Wonderful Doctor, loves kittens

Dr. Cameron: [discussing a patient's diagnosis] What about sex?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. Gregory House: Heh, nice cover.

Jill: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day,
[House looks tired]
Jill: but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. Gregory House: Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. Gregory House: You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. Gregory House: You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
Dr. Gregory House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill: Illegal?
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates?
Dr. Gregory House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes.
[it's a baby]

Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.

Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.

Dr. Gregory House: The drugs don't make me high, they make me neutral.

Dr. Wilson: Did you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. White count's been down since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.

Dr. Gregory House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

Dr. Cameron, Dr. Eric Foreman, Dr. Robert Chase: [speaking about patient's symptoms] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all three of you?

[House has a patient, and finds Chase chatting up a girl]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Hey, how's that anal fissure?