roflmao^^^
Here's a few:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"




A nice poem I found in a book:

I will tell you a tale that is certain to please,
Of a great farting contest at Shitham on Pease,
When all the great arses paraded the fields,
To take part in a contest for various shields.

Some cocked up their arses to fart up the scale,
To strive for a cup and a barrel of ale.
And those whose arses were biggest and strongest,
Took part in the contest for loudest and longest.

This pleasant event had drawn a great crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs McLoud.
It was said in the papers, the sporting edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs Potluck was backed for a place,
For she had often been placed in the deepest disgrace,
Having farted in church and drowned the organ,
And gassed the old verger, Marmaduke Morgan.

With a clump of red hairs and a wart on each side,
She cocked it up well with greatest of pride.
She fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And proceeded to tell this remarkable band,
That the contest was on as was shown on the bills,
And the use was taboo of injections and pills.

The contestants lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss Mrs Jones took first fart.
The crowd were astonished in silence and wonder,
And the BBC issued a warning of thunder.

Next Mrs Black who advanced to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt.
With parted cheeks and tightly clenched hands,
She blew the roof off the sixpenny stands.

Old Mrs Potluck thought nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss.
With hands on her hips and legs stretched out wide,
She unluckily shit and was disqualified.

Next Mrs Bugle who farted alone,
And the crowd were amazed at the sweetness of her tone.
The judges agreed without bias of pause,
First prize Mrs Bugle, now pull up your drawers.

She advanced to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
To recieve from the vicar a set of gold plate.
Then she farted to the crowd who had started to sing,
And farted the first verse of 'God Save The King'.

nice jokes, been pissin meself laughin for the past 5 minutes.. yeah yeah i know, slow reader..

Anyways another man was walkin along the beach and finds yet another lamp, gives the thing a rub and wouldn't ya know it, a damned genie from outta nowhere but this time as the genie is gettin old he has an apprentice..

Anyways the man is told about the 3 wishes but was also told that first he must sleep before they come true, 6 hours later the man wakes up to find beautiful, naked women everywhere, just as his eyes start to adjust he hears a knock at the door, after walkin to the door knee deep in money he opens it to see too kkk's standing at the door..

After been dragged up the hill by these 2 kkk's and hanged the apprentice says to the master "ok, now i get the beautiful naked women, and well a mans gotta have money, BUT, why the hell would you wanna be hung like a black man"...



Not intented to be racist.. It is just a joke and i'm sorry if it offends

lol, amusing

The Devoted Wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

hehe here i got another, its semi-unclean so cover ur ears lil ppl =_=

This woman was pregnant and one day she was walking home at night and got shot in the stomach, she got an ambulance to the hospital and the doctor said you'll be fine go home and sleep, so she goes home, falls asleep and sleeps the entire 9 months. She has a baby and its a girl, 15 yrs later she comes running down the stairs, "MOM MOM!, i pissed out a bullet!." So she says omg i got a freak kid i need another one. So she gets pregnant again, and falls asleep for the entire 9 months again. She has the baby and its another girl. When she's 15 she comes running down the stairs yelling, MOM MOM!, i pissed out a bullet!." The woman says omg i got another freak kid i need a new one. So she gets pregnant again and this time has a boy, 15 yrs later he comes running down the stairs..."MOM MOM!", "Lemme guess you pissed out a bullet?", "No, I was jacking off and i shot the dog!!!"

LOL!!!!!!!!
This is the best one i heard all day!!!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because you got an 'F' in sex.'

Pirate In A Bar

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

I got 2.

First:
Q: What's the similarity between an air conditioner and a computer?
A: They both screw up when you open windows.

Second:
A man gets stuck out in the middle of the sea. A boat comes and the captain asks, "Do you want some help?" The man replies, "No, God will save me." Another boat comes and offers help. Once again, the man declines. The same thing happens again. The man eventually dies. When he sees God, he asks, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "You idiot! I sent three boats!"

lol good joke i liked that

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Who comes up with these jokes?