Subject: Literature Abuse
By Dr. Ben Dover


It appears that we are once again confronted with a social
disorder that will drive many of you back into therapy. This
may also serve as a useful guide in the event this condition
should manifest in any of your children or, God forbid, a
spouse should come out of the closet and you are suddenly
confronted with a long, dark, history of literature abuse.

LITERATURE ABUSE:
AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer
myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more
in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter
without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order
to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the
characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a
book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would
otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until
I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of
reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something
I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.

If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you
may be a literature abuser. Affirmative responses of five or more
indicates a serious problem. Once a relatively rare disorder,
Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new levels due to the
accessibility of higher education and increased college enrollment
since the end of the Second World War. The Number of literature
abusers is currently at record levels

SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE

Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal
relationships. They fantasize, creating alternative worlds
to occupy, to the neglect of friends and family. In severe
cases they develop bad posture from reading in awkward positions
or carrying heavy book bags. In the worst instances, they
become cranky reference librarians in small towns. Excessive
reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of
moral deformity among the children of English professors,
teachers of English and creative writing.

Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves its
victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming
and emotional instability.

HEREDITY

Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a
considerable role in determining whether a person will become
an abuser of literature. Most abusers have at least one parent
who abused literature, often beginning at an early age and
progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser become
abusers themselves.

OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS

Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or
heavy fiction readers; parents who do not encourage children
to play games, participate in healthy sports, or watch television
in the evening.

PREVENTION

Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption
agencies in order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers
in particular should seek partners active in other fields.
Children should be encouraged to seek physical activity and
to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.

DECLINE AND FALL: THE ENGLISH MAJOR

Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle
belongs to those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes
away to study literature in our colleges. Parents should look
for signs that their children are taking the wrong path-don't
expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't stop
reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and find the
secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:

1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let
her know you won't abandon her-but that you aren't spending
a hundred grand to put her through Stanford so she can clerk
at Waldenbooks, either. But remember that she may not be able
to make a decision without help; perhaps she has just finished
Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.

2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this
book in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the
hard question-Who is this Count Vronsky?

3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.

4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class,
or minor in Spanish. Transfer her to a Florida college.

You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more
of the following applies:

* She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
* She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
* Next to her bed is a picture of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf,
Faulkner or any scene from the Lake District.

Most importantly, remember, you are not alone. To seek help for
yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter of the
American Literature Abuse Society, or look under ALAS in your
telephone directory.