What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.
But imagine if they did...

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V',
followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit
behind the steering wheel you should see it.

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that
honks the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the
vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with
everything built in!"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -
and now it won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you
misuse the product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of
yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and
press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did - now the damn
thing's crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the
manual said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page
14. The pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this
manual you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

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HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in
my car!"